Well gentlemen, here we are 6 weeks into this fucked up pile of garbage we are calling the NFL season, and surprisingly, things still seem to be going about as we might expect for 2020.
The Patriots suck big black cock without Tom Brady
Aaron Rodgers is glorious (can’t seem to remember what happened between 4-7pm this past Sunday, I must have blacked out)
The Jets are trash
The Giants are trash
The Browns are 4-1…. Jk, also trash
Cowboys???? Super fucking disgusting, ugly trash
Manny’s team……… well at least you won a JFL championship a while ago, that’s something to fall back on
Of course there have been surprises as well, but that is to be expected with any NFL season. What was extremely unexpected was the complete lack of dedication to the written word from our collective JFL ownership. How in the hell did we get through 6 weeks without taking to pen and paper to express our joys, grievances and dislike for one another? It’s baffling. But not to worry you illiterate jags, I’m here to soothe your souls, scratch that itch, and tell you all just how little I think of your fantasy football skills (and human skills to boot).
This column will serve a few purposes, first and foremost, to establish power rankings 1 through 12 (spoiler alert, Teddy is first, Manny surprisingly not last!). We will also recap all things JFL since the draft occurred, and take a look forward to the rest of the season with a few hot takes sprinkled in for controversy and to spice up the group chat. Time to dive in:
This happened so long ago I don’t really remember what happened tbh. But I did just go back through the draft recap on NFL.com and now I remember why I can’t recall what happened: it was boring. Nobody did anything really surprising or stupid, save for one team. Congrats to Big Juicy for being the draft idiot of 2020. Tom and Gronk are fun and all, but wow did you miss out on some serious talent in favour of creating a Patriots 2018 circle jerk for a team. Here’s the worst part, given the chance, I think you would do it all over again, exactly the same. Respect the loyalty, but have fun missing the playoffs.
THOUGHTS ON THE SEASON SO FAR:
Ummmmm fuck ACL’s eh??? It’s a real shit sandwich when so many fantasy relevant players bite the dust due to injury. Props to those owners that have stayed afloat despite losing a top pick. Fingers crossed they get a pre season next year so that this doesn’t happen again.
Why don’t any of you want to trade players? I’m genuinely wondering. Do you not look at your roster every day, compare it to others and look for opportunities to improve? I really don’t understand why everyone is so stubborn. Only 1 completed trade this year so far and I am booooooooored. Spice it up a little guys, take a risk. Or don’t and you will miss the playoffs for probably the 5th straight season. Like why bother at that point. I dunno, maybe you guys just don’t know how to put a mutually advantageous deal together. Maybe you get so fired up and take things so personally that you would rather not do that to yourselves. Some feedback would be appreciated.
I’m fuckin over COVID and would love to see you all in person for some beers and football. HMU if you think the same.
1. The Fightin Jim Kellys- Teddy (4-2)
Man this is a good fuckin team. Kyler Murray has to be the fastest midget in the world. He makes for a near impossible target to try and tackle, it’s really entertaining. Alvin Kamara is really benefitting from Mike Thomas being a posh cunt and getting suspended by his own team. Also the fact that Drew Brees is an old cunt and can’t throw the ball very far. The dude is obviously talented, but these two things are creating an unbeatable opportunity for Kamara. George Kittle is probably a really weird dude in real life (who likes WWF anyway?) but he is also a monster fantasy asset. If there is one downside to this team, it’s the lack of depth outside of these guys + Lockett. I’m sorry but Marquise Brown did not add nearly as much weight as all of the reporters say he did, that man still looks like a stick figure. My left arm (non jerk off arm) has more muscle than that guy’s whole body. Best of luck to Teddy as he faces off with the first place team this week without any of his Ravens to help him out.
2a. Casino-Casino (4-2)
I’ve got Casino as 2a because his team is maybe a bit worse than the team below here, but Casino is a better GM and I think he will win more games down the road. There is not one fucking weakness in this starting roster when everyone is healthy and productive. Even Josh Allen is producing!!! The Bills can throw the fucking football and that is really funny to me for some reason. Maybe it’s because I think Josh Allen looks like the biggest/most able kid in the developmentally challenged class at your high school that can run and throw a football for some reason. He just looks dumb. And he runs dumb. Anyhow, CMC is coming back soon and there will likely be a few weeks where both he and Kareem Kunt are the featured back for their team. That is scary as hell, wouldn’t be surprised if this team puts up a one week scoring record. Godwin, Woods, Allen and Kelce are far and away the best group of pass catching fuck sticks that the JFL has to offer. Fuck me this is bad for all of us. And fuck you Casino for beating me in week 2 and probably week 13. Bitch.
2b. A Blow Dryer and A Foot-Stool-Karl (4-2)
Yes, I think Karl has a better group of players available to him right now than Casino does, but he obviously doesn’t know how to use them properly because they will never all see the field together. He has 4 (four) really good running backs ready to go which is cool but also just frustratingly stupid because Karl, like the rest of us, can play only 3 (three) of them at once. Add that to the fact that he also has 3 starting quality wide receivers and I am just about ready to punch myself in the face because this is so stupid. Part of winning in fantasy is having good players. Part of winning is also knowing how to use those players which Karl doesn’t know how to do because he’s probably fantasizing about some prison rape scene in which he is pinned to the floor by all of these mandingos and it makes him oh so happy to have them on his fantasy team. Dude, learn how to trade, you will be in a better spot! Or don’t and continue jerking off to the thought of OBJ pissing on your toes or something.
4. Long Live Ben-Cam (5-1)
I almost want to go back and put my team in front of Karl because he’s bad as a GM, but my team just doesn’t have the chops (yet) which is saying something considering I’m in first place. Bow down hoes. I haven’t been in first place since I won this bitch in 2018, I can almost taste another beer from the Rose Bowl. But we won’t get ahead of ourselves just yet. This team is built on players outkicking their coverage and some surprising waiver wire pickups. Calvin Ridley will be a top 5 WR by end of season, got him in the third round. DJ Moore and DJ Chark round out my initial receiving core as solid plays. It’s hard to believe that the strength of this team is the WR position because I think they are far less valuable than RB but what the fuck do I know. AJ Brown came off the waiver wire a few weeks back for free (thanks Bryce for dropping him lol) and will finish inside the top 20 as long as Tannehill doesn’t snap back to reality where he was cut by the Dolphins for being bad as a QB. Le’veon Bell also came off the waiver wire for nothing (thanks Scuba you moron) and I have high hopes for him and Fat Andy making some magic in KC. Also, Jonnu Smith??? Top 5 TE, came off the waiver wire. I’m confused as to how nobody else tried to pick these guys up, I guess I can thank you all for snoozing.
5. Johnny Anal-John (4-2)
This team is much less scary without Dak. Dude literally had his ankle bone poking through his skin and while that creeps me out and is truly unfortunate in the real world, that really only hurts Johnny in the fantasy world. So suck it John, the NFL is a fickle whore. This team also features too many good players to ever play at the same time, maybe you could trade one of them to solidify your QB slot….OH WAIT! You won’t do that because you are too sensitive to engage in real negotiations. Or you will never trade because your computer program tells you that everything makes your team .2% worse than it was before, who knows. Regardless, trying to trade with John is like trying to explain what love is to a sex doll. They know what the act is, but they don’t understand the meaning behind it or how to find a mutually beneficial outcome. What a sad life to live.
6. Ramrod-Nolan (2-4)
This is a great team no matter what the record shows. Some tough circumstances over the first half of the season have really handicapped a very promising roster. Davante Adams and Julio Jones have played a combined 5 full games between them so far this season. Hard to succeed when your two best players can’t hit the field. But they are both back now and look like extremely solid plays for the remainder of the season. Ronald Jones and David Johnson are two guys that are really excelling at the RB position and outplaying every prediction that I read pre draft. Deshaun Watson is good, duh. I think this team finishes top 5.
7. Slye Dirty Dumper-Bryce (4-2)
Zeke and Chris Carson is the best 1-2 punch at RB in the JFL. Not much behind that unfortunately for Bryce who changed his team name to match his kicker??? Why in the fuck did you do that. You’re not Teddy, have some self respect god damn it. Okay Golladay and Will Fuller aren’t the worst WRs but neither of them is a top 12 guy and your flex spot is a wasteland of rejects. One thing I like about Bryce’s team, he’s not afraid to make a move and shake up his roster in big ways. I think a big key to fantasy success is not getting too attached to name value and that is something Bryce has clearly mastered because nobody knows who half of the players on his team are. Good for you my dude, I think you are well on your way to 6-7, congrats.
8. Big JuJuicy-Juicy (3-3)
Welcome to the electric circus aka Tompa Bay and the Gronkowski reunion fuck show. I bet that Juicy has so much fun on Sunday afternoons just bathing in Domino’s dipping sauce and watching his two best buddies get busy down in Florida. It’s nice that Gronk is showing signs of life now as opposed to earlier this season when it appeared that CTE had taken full control of his motor skills. Talk about coming back from the dead. Outside of Gronk and Aaron Jones, I look at this team as a fading star because there are a lot of reasons that they will not continue to produce as they have to this point. JuJu looks useless in Pitty. Mike Davis will be relegated to the CFL when Mccaffrey returns. Amari Cooper is catching balls from Andy Dalton lol. Raheem Mustard and Dalvin Cook can’t stay healthy. I think this merry band of idiots has seen it’s time in the sun come to an end. At least you can pull off an Oktoberfest outfit.
9. IsJoeFlaccoElite-Jeff (3-3)
I am seriously impressed that Jeff is .500 after what happened to Saquon Barkley. Good for you Jeff, you are making the best out of a tough situation, just like establishing a serious girlfriend during COVID lockdowns. There is no circumstance that this man can not overcome. Now I believe that the outlook for this team is better than Juicy’s, while Juicy’s team fades this team appears to be surging to new heights. Kenyan Drake finally got his head out of his ass and Christian Kirk is a legit weapon for the Cards. Now Ceedee Lamb looks like Andy Dalton’s preferred target so look for a big second half from that man. Mahomes is Mahomes, end of story. Terry Mclaurin somehow seems to be skating by all the bullshit in Washington who’s team acronym this year is WFT. If you read that as what the fuck then you’re not the first person today to think that and it’s probably what the team in DC should call themselves because they are barely a Football Team.
10. Alpha Flight-Manny (1-5)
What the fuck is Alpha Flight? This team flies Delta at best and more likely than not they fly economy Spirit. In all seriousness though, this team was royally fucked by it’s own best player who decided to be a real jabroni and start throwing punches at practice. Mike Thomas you little bitch, Manny was counting on you. But, let’s be honest, we should have expected something like this. Manny loves receivers in fantasy football and in 90% of these cases, the receiver turns out a be a real diva hoe. Pretty sure Manny had AB when he went psychotic in Pitt as well as OBJ when he started fighting the kicker’s net on the Giants’ sideline. Manny is a magnet for this type of behaviour. Thank you for not drafting Davante Adams. James Conner is a good guy and I hope he has a big season, same with Herbert. Fun to watch that kid sling it.
11. BigDickPlayers-Pete (1-5)
Pete’s team reads like a who’s who of guys that were named in an article called “Waiver Wire Pickups Week 1-6”. We’ve got Justin Jefferson, Joshua Kelley, Chase Claypool, and a bunch of other guys that haven’t really done a whole lot. This team is thinner than the weight watchers bread I like. It doesn’t help that the first two picks for this team haven’t performed up to expectations. Lamar Jackson and CEH have performed adequately I suppose but nowhere near well enough to make up for the lack of production here. At least I don’t think Pete fantasizes about the BDP logo guy in a jail scene like Karl does.
12. Scuba-Scuba (1-5)
I really like how easy Scuba and Casino make it for us to identify their teams. A++ for simplicity, F- for creativity. I honestly don’t know how a team can be this bad this consistently. Like, Scuba had just as many draft picks as the rest of us, but I feel like half these guys could have been picked up off the waiver wire yesterday. I’m pretty sure I remember Scuba attending the draft online but I feel like it must have been his girlfriend (?) making the picks. Sorry I don’t know much about your personal life these days my man, hope you’re doing well outside of being the worst team in the JFL year after year. Who did Scuba beat for his lone win this season? That’s embarrassing – Bryce Have we ever had a 1-12 team? 2020 is a wild year!
REST OF SEASON PREDICTIONS
Here are some quick hitter predictions to get everyone all worked up:
Casino finishes as the #1 seed, loses first game of the playoffs
Teddy finishes #2, loses in the final again
The remaining playoff teams: Karl, Cam, Nolan, Jeff
Bryce at 6-7 obv missing the playoffs
Juicy not making the playoffs, not sure if he has ever made the playoffs?
Manny, Pete and Scuba combine for a total of 6 wins this year